This week we continue our study with Ephesians 6:4:
It is noteworthy that this exhortation is to fathers instead of mothers. It is not always the case, but usually fathers are the strict disciplinarians. Mothers tend to be more nurturing and prone to mercy. Fathers can be more prone to anger, which can cause them to carry discipline too far. Discipline not carried far enough as well as discipline carried too far can result in rebellion in our children, provoking them to anger instead of obedience from the heart.
It is noteworthy that the apostle’s instructions about how to not provoke our children to anger is to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. The Lord loves all people, but seems to have a special love for children, and has included an abundance of wisdom in His Word for how to raise them and take care of them. One of the foundations of this “discipline and instruction of the Lord” is consistency. One of the basic characteristics of the Lord’s nature is that He is consistent. Therefore, His discipline and instruction will be consistent.
We have probably all witnessed parents who must tell their children “no” repeatedly. They must usually raise their voices and begin threatening before the children believe that they really mean “no.” If we are going to raise our children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord we must teach them that our “yes” means “yes” and our “no” means “no” the first time we say it. We should not have to raise our voices to them, since a basic characteristic of the way the Lord speaks is in “a still small voice.”
Furthermore, if we have taught our children that they don’t have to obey us until we raise our voices at them, they learn that we don’t mean what we say until there is a certain level of frustration on our part. Only the Spirit can begat that which is Spirit, and only discipline that is given in the Spirit of the Lord will bring forth the fruit of the Spirit. Frustration is not a fruit of the Spirit.
You may wonder if it is possible to discipline our children in the Spirit. It is not only possible, but it is the only way we should discipline them–-in love, doing it for their sake, not because we are frustrated with them. If you have to discipline them for something that has made you angry, first wait until you have control of your anger.
I do believe in spanking as the most effective form of discipline for younger children. As Proverbs 13:24 states, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” The first point is that if we really love our children we will discipline them diligently. This is Christlikeness, as we are told in Hebrews 12:5-6, "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives."
Because of the prevalence of many humanistic philosophies that are contrary to the Word of God, many have come to perceive discipline as rejection when the opposite is true. One of the scariest things in the world is being allowed to get away with things that we should be disciplined for. We should take the correction and discipline that we receive from the Lord as proof of His love. Our children should do the same when they receive our correction and discipline. If they have been disciplined correctly, they will. It will give them great security knowing that you love them enough to discipline them.
Humanistic teachings on child rearing have tried to make parents feel guilty about spanking their children—that it is violence and imparts violence to children. The opposite is actually the truth, as is usually the case with humanistic philosophies. I personally think that the Lord put some extra padding back there so children could be spanked in a way that would cause a little pain, but no injury. Spanking resolves and gets the discipline over fast, which is much more merciful than dragging the issue out with other forms of discipline that have become popular such as time outs, or taking away privileges. These are not necessarily wrong, but we need to always consider that the biblical exhortations on how to discipline are always going to be the best.
When I spank my younger children, I do try to make sure I am over any anger I may have as a result of their offense. I sit and talk to them about why I must discipline them. Then I try to do it consistently, using about the same number of whacks for each offense. I then hold them until they stop crying, telling them they are forgiven. Next we pray and ask God’s forgiveness, and then I will play with and tickle them, or do something until we are laughing together and I am sure that there has been total reconciliation and forgiveness with no continuing rift between us.
We also need to understand that the word “discipline” does not necessarily mean punishment—but rather the training of a disciple. If we had enough positive training we probably would not have to do as much punishing for offenses.
In all of this we must keep in mind that our first command is to love our children. I personally believe that we should be giving our children ten times as much love and “positive time” as discipline. Therefore, when one of my children is going through an especially difficult time it is even more important to give that child a lot of positive attention and love. Discipline is important, but love is our most powerful weapon. True love requires discipline, but it must always be done lovingly.
