Our verse for this week is Ephesians 5:31:

It is well known that one of the biggest problems in marriage can come from the in-laws, but they can also be a great blessing. Even so, I have never known in-laws who were causing major problems in a son or daughter’s marriage that were not sincerely trying to help, thought they were helping, and in some ways may have been helping while still causing major problems.

It is crucial for every young couple to develop their own family and their own identity. To have a healthy marriage we should not try to make our spouse into a reflection of a parent. We must learn to cleave to each other until we become one. To do this most couples really do need to “leave” their fathers and mothers, literally getting far away from them. Of course few young couples want to hear this, and even fewer parents do, but it is usually essential for a healthy, lasting, marriage.

This is not to imply that there should not be a relationship with our parents after we are married. However, our relationship to our parents must radically change after marriage. Even so, it is normal for parents to try to make their children into their own image, and to have a lasting relationship with them. Didn’t God, our Father, make His children in His image, and want to have a lasting relationship with them? It is therefore understandable that parents should want to do the same with our children. However, just as the Lord also made each of His children to be unique, and gave them remarkable freedom to develop their uniqueness, parents must do the same with their children.

We must especially give our children space during the first few years of their marriage. Each new family formed is also a new beginning in a way. They must be free to form their own special identity and uniqueness. Only then will they be strong enough to actually carry on the family name and good traditions that it is right for them to do. Why is this?

There was much talk a few years ago about the bondage of co-dependence and how to be free of it. In a popular book written on this subject it was acknowledged that the highest form of relationship was interdependence. However, the only way one could enter into this highest form of unity was to be delivered from co-dependence where one does not have his or her own identity. To do this they had to go through the stage of independence until their own identity had been formed and made strong enough to have an interdependent relationship where their identity was not swallowed up and lost. There is an important truth to this.

All infants are co-dependent for they cannot survive without their parents. As they grow, gradually they will become more self-sufficient and independent. If children are maturing in a healthy way they will become more independent. However, there is a difference between the independence of maturity and the independence of rebellion. Even so, parents who have best raised their children have raised them to the level of maturity where they do not need their parents. Then, once their independence is established and they have their own unique identity, the relationship between the parents and children can go on to the highest level of relationship—interdependence where there is a relationship while not trying to consume each other’s identity, but fully appreciating each other’s uniqueness.

This is important to know in marriage relationships. Paul did not write this to the Ephesians about marriage relationships, but as he goes on to say Ephesians 5:32, “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.” Paul was talking about the marriage between Christ and His church. This remains a “mystery” to this day that many still do not comprehend, and is becoming increasingly crucial that we do. So how does it apply?

In this storyline of the Bible, the Father married Israel and together they had a Son. The Son was also to have a bride—the church. From the very beginning the mother, Israel, tried to impose herself on the young bride of Christ through the “Judaisers” who tried to bring her under the yoke of the Law. This was an attempt to make the young church completely co-dependent and swallow up her unique identity. If this had happened, there would have been no New Covenant, and eventually all of the truth of the Messiah would have been swallowed up. There had to be a separation—a leaving until the church was able to establish her own identity with Christ, her Husband.

The church has now gone through her independent stage, and though her marriage has been about as rocky as Israel’s was with the Father, we are coming to the time of reconciliation, healing, and ultimate union. It is no accident that as this is happening there are still modern forms of the first century heresy that are still trying to draw the church under the yoke of the Law and swallow her up in Judaism again. This will not succeed, but if it did, it would completely jeopardize the very purpose of the church.

There is much controversy today about what is referred to as “replacement theology.” This is the theology whereby the church completely replaces Israel in God’s plan, and all of the promises that were given to Israel are really meant for the church. This is to some degree a reaction to Israel’s attempts to destroy the unique identity of the church, so the church has also gone through a long period, centuries, of trying to destroy the unique identity of Israel. Now, possibly in reaction to the replacement theology, there are “counter-replacement” theologies being promoted whereby Israel completely displaces the church in God’s plan at the end. Both of these theologies are in error, and disregard major portions of Scripture in both the Old and New Testaments.

In the end there will be a unity in the entire family of God as we read about in Ephesians 2, with the enmity between Israel and the church being abolished. This will result in such a powerful union in the end that it will be called “one new man.” However, this will not come by either the church or Israel swallowing up the identity of the other, but by each becoming strong enough in their own identity to enter into the highest form of unity—interdependence.

This does not imply that Israel will establish its righteousness through the Law. Israel will acknowledge their Messiah, and the cross as the only remedy for sin and reconciliation with God. However, there was always intended to be uniqueness between the Hebrew believers and the Gentile believers. This is why the Lord had an “apostle to the Jews” and an “apostle to the Gentiles.” Otherwise there would have been no need for such distinctions.

The way I become one with my wife is not by making her into a man, but by appreciating her uniqueness. The same kind of maturity will be required between the church and Israel so that the ultimate unity can take place. This remains a mystery to most, but when we mature we will begin to understand it, and then enter into it.